From those still self-quarantining:

- I’m having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited.
  
- All these people are worrying about a baby boom in the next nine months. Two days of homeschooling should nip that right in the bud!
 
- Now, when I’m watching any TV show or movie, all I can think about is how everyone is standing WAY too close together.
 
- I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now, I turn it like I’m cracking a safe!
 
- Quarantine Day 16. I’ve started taking calls from telemarketers. Some of them are actually quite nice. Jamar from Superior Life Insurance has a new baby.
 
- Grocery shopping has become a real life version of Pac-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit, and take any route possible to avoid conflict.
 
- My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine. It’s called, “Why Are You Doing It That Way?” There are no winners.

- When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT want to hear, “I don’t know.” YOU HAD 45 DAYS!

- Just bought six pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

- My car probably thinks I died.

- If your parents are over 60 and want to go out ... FORBID THEM! If they complain and say, “But everyone else is doing it”, tell them, “You’re not everyone.” IT’S PAYBACK TIME!

- If you believe that the Canucks will be playing hockey in two weeks, raise your right hand. Now slap yourself with it.

- Anyone else getting a tan from the light in your refrigerator?

 

-I just got pulled over by the cops. He said, “I smell alcohol. ”I said, “That’s because you are not respecting social distancing.”